Report Confirms What Dogs On The Street Have Always Known: The IRA Still Exists

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A 'shocking' report which was revealed yesterday confirmed to us what we already knew: the IRA still exists.

The report, which took about two months to compile was issued by Secretary of State, Theresa Villiers. Villiers, who is so far out of touch with those whom she is meant to govern needed to assemble a team to tell her what the ordinary person already knew.

It was revealed in the report that the IRA is now committed to peaceful and political means, and that its Army Council oversees both the IRA and Sinn Féin – a claim which Sinn Féin naturally denies, very much toeing the same line as their glorious leader Gerry.

The waste of resource – or report – was called for after the death of Kevin McGuigan, a death which sparked rumours of an IRA revenge shooting for the murder of Gerard ‘Jock’ Davison two months previous.

This allegation of an IRA shooting conveniently coincided with the heat being turned up on First Minister, Peter Robinson, when allegations started to surface of £7m in an offshore account from the sale of Nama’s northern portfolio, Project Eagle.

In Stormont’s usual style of ‘crisis politics’ which it seems to thrive on and cannot exist without, the UUP pulled its only member out of the executive and all DUP ministers except for Arlene Foster who was appointed as acting First Minister “stepped aside”.

In order to keep the executive going the DUP adopted a policy of “in-out” ministers, in which ministers would resign only to be reappointed a little a later. Since the 10th of September some DUP ministers resigned and reassumed office more than 20 times - not that any of us noticed anyway or that whatever changes took place up on the Hill had any effect on us.

More talks are now to continue in Stormont which will focus on paramilitary activity. It is believed that this time wasted on debating is needed before they can get on with implementing further austerity and slashing budgets to pieces.

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